I found this fucking hilarious and then thought 'Now that is just not right, he may not even like DC. Woof, woof, woof woof prolly translates to I wanna be the new Guardian in Omega Flight :-).

LOOK AT ME, the only non narcisist in the world.

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb one either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm-holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse/partner from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse/partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse/partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey to compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw blooded T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. You can be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 4 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to accident and emergency dept, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

1. wrap something to eat round it.

I've gotta admt I may have had a drink or two and the strange cigarette in my mouth could be influencing, but I've decided that I'm gonna chronicle whatever I feel like nattering about until I get bored with it.  So this is like aN OPEN BLOG ENTRY (FUCK MY FINGERS DON'T SEEM TO BE WORKING, switched off Caps Lock (2117hrs)), anyways, where was I?  Oh yea, an ongoing blog entry.

 

http://www.markosia.org.uk/comic/markosia_front.htm : A few weeks back I went to Camden which is a fucking brilliant place.  Every other shop is a tatoo parlour and they have a market where every type of food is available.  I have three Gothy type kids, they go to Camden nearly every week.  Camden is Goith central. Anyway, a few weeks back I went a wandering around the indoor part of the market near the docks and found a gent selling comics.  We got to nattering and weirdly enough he was aware of an interview I conducted a few weeks earlier.  Anyways he was selling this TPB (Trade Paper Back (a collection of comic issues collected in one cover (for the uneducated))) Here, have another bracket ):-.  The TPB weas called 'Brodies Law'.  Judge Dread meets John Constantine.  I loved it long time.  What caught my eye was a signature on the cover, I recognised it right away 'BIZ', Simon Bisley ( http://www.simonbisleyonline.com/ ). The reason I recognised the sig was due to Mr Bisley also signing the my colourised version of 'The Whitechapel Freak' by David Hitchcok http://www.blackboar.co.uk/.  He signed my 'Whitechapel Freak' at the Bristol Con (Convention :-) ), he signed it with a picture of a Spliff near to the Spine and the legend 'BIZ' underneath.  I didn't actually get the book signed myself, tbe sig was aquired by Phil http://worlddumbination.blogspot.com/.  The only reason I can think of that Mr Bisley felt it was okay to draw a spliff on my book, -------------------------------------, I leave you to draw your own conclusions. 

 

Only cost ten quid for the TPB....................................... bargain.

 

====================== 2227 hrs============

I'm actually watching the Commonwealth Games, only by accident, flicking through the channels I came across a medal ceromony, no idea what the medal was for, but from the look of the shorts, it may well have been for 'Most decorative constricted gonads over one hundred metres, staggering'.  This total indifference to how many gold medals England my have, made we realise just how totally sillly the 'Commonwealth Games' are.  Just anotther excuse for us civilised types (tongue in cheek) to show 'Johnny Come Lately's', that we may treat them as equal, but doesn't mean we have to believe it.

 

===================2243hrs================

Watching '8 out of 10 Cats' on the telly, quote "Norman Kember released, church leaders describe irt as a miracle.  60 people killed in Bagdad nearly every day, Yeah thanks, God" not verbatim.

 

==============2257hrs====================

Fucking Commonwealth Games.  Friday night in bed watching one of those dodgy 'Hammer House of Horror' films, should be the order of the day, but BBC1 (where these old films are aired) is giving us 'Commonwealth Games' live for the rest of the night.  Oh Jeabus save me!

 

================2339hrs===================

 There's a picture down the bottom of this entry. It's a screen capture of a Firewall package I use.  It would seem that I have had over 1 million intrusions. God I feel so used :-(

 

My enthusiasm for this is waning, I have the lowest wanefall in London (groaaaan!)

 

 

about this whole blog thing.  What exactly are you suppose to write about.  News items sometimes catch my eye, there's a story about a massacre by American troops in Iraq last November.  This should be important, but does anyone out there really give a fuck.  We either get out of our pram about it, say it's bad, sad but necessary, or try to explain it away as 'collateral damage' which is the governmental take in this particular instance. In this age of mass communication, it's kinda sad that less people are really listening.

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/4830782.stm (Update : April 2nd 2006)

find somthing so wrong about this website?

 

I've been doing that family thing this weekend.  It's been fun, but somtimes it leaves me wishing I'd stayed in bed.  I now seem to be the sounding board for anyone with angst and anxieties, which is fine apart from the fact that I have enough angst and anxieties myself without trying to solve everyone elses.  Still I suppose it's the price you pay being a parent.

 

In the news I see that British troops have been accused of beating up a few Iraqi's.  Now I know it sucks and you ain't going to get a lot of resistance if your carrying a SA 80, but then again if your gonna chuck rocks and scream abuse at people, you have got to be some kinda of twat if you think they are gonna welcome you with open arms.  I guess it's okay to hack someone head off and celebrate the deaths of men woman and children in falling towers, but wrong to give someone who is quite willing to drag a burnt body around the streets a smack.  The IRA went through the same thing, bleat like an unpaid whore cos the British Army may have operated a 'shoot to kill' policy, while at the same time condone the killing and maiming of civillians on the streets of Omagh and Warrington.  The terrorist/freedom fighter probably considers it okay to hurt people, but don't see why people should reciprocate. 

I usually hate Sundays, it has that draggy depressed, nothing happening kinda feel about it, but todays different.  Out shopping with a couple of the grand kids this morning and now all my immediate family are in the house and the grand kids are bopping.  I like this Sunday, but I bet next Sunday will be as usual.  God I love family.

two steps back.  Believe it or not, you can have friends you have never met in person, who are a damn sight more loyal than those you meet every day.  Most of my real friends I have met through the net, but never in person.  One problem with that is if you piss them off you can't go and knock on their door to try and sort it out, but if you leave it for too long the problems become larger and eventually that comradeship you had can't be recovered.  I think that happened this week and I don't know how to rectify it.  Sad really.

Very surreal to say the least.  The kids had a good time, well seemed to.  I got a new MP3 player and I hope the thieving bastard who broke in on Boxing day morning and had it away on his toes with it, the three moblie phones and my wifes purse, enjoys the tunes I uploaded while it was still mine.

 

Never mind eh, It's my birthday very soon and I've been promised another one.  Lets hope I can keep it longer than twenty four hours, this time.

 

 

 

this blog business. 

 

"It should be more entertaining",  someone suggested to me.  Mmm? entertaining?  I'm not an entertainer, I'm a glorified caretaker with a fancy title.  If you can find anything entertaining in that, then you write this and I'll sod off down the pub.

 

"Have you thought of including more pictures"?  If I had the capability , I would have an all singing, all dancing graphic that proclaimed my name from on high and denied the concept of god, because when all said and done, religion is a piss poor substitute for the sanctity of the primordial ooze. 

 

"So why do you write it"?  Cos there are moments during the day when you want scream at some person who doesn't seem to grasp the basic concept of logic.  If you do A with B then you'll get C, which is the required result.  Whoosh!, straight over the top of their heads, "yeah but..." they counter, Vickie Pollards one and all.  You can't scream, because it leads to turf wars and gang shootings, or at least a row.  So you bite your tongue and wander away.  Bad feelings still churn around your body and a blog is a great outlet for any emotions, that's why I write it.

 

Plus, as I pointed out to him, "Who , besides me actually reads it"?

not one of them prompted me to take up keyboard and write.  I must find somthing that interests me.  Might have to create an Internet Porn catergory.

I have just written the most amazing anectdote, it was full of Pathos and other literary rules that go towards making the perfect literary masterpiece.  If completed this thing would have rocked the world and awakened nations.

 

The electric went and I lost it... Bollacks

I know we've been here before, but I need to talk about the things before I become totally obsessed.  I watched a program called the 'Gadget Zone' the other night and was slightly perturbed watching how they stripped a brand new PC of all it's protection, anti virus, Firewall, Anti Spy Ware and probably any AK47's that might have been loitering and  defenceless  put it on line. It lasted forty five minutes before the HDD gave up the ghost and buggered off to bed for the duration.  I'm not sure of the amount of intrusions exactly, but the figure was probably in the region of intrusions you would get at a blind nudists weekend convention. 

 

Gadget Zone did however suggest a Firewall that was all that and more, plus it was free, so armed with that info I went and visited http://www.zonealarm.com/ and downloaded the Firewall.  Geez it's efficient.  It's like having an qver zealous cyber body guard. It ain't letting nothing through and it asks so many questions.  I get this image of a very polite, big burly bouncer at a nightclub asking "You wanna let this through?", "Yep, let MSN in", "You sure?", "yep","really sure?", "absoloutely","Okay then,  if your sure?"

 

I also updated my anti-virus database.  So after deleting all the rubbish that my boy had downloaded during the day, I got down to some serious PC housekeeping.  Ad-Ware, SpyWare, Anti Virus and brand new Firewall all kicked off.  Couple of hours later, I got 40 manky files in quarantine. Ad-Ware and Trojans. 'I got the galloping Trojans, Brad Pitt in a skirt, I mean...' 

 

I don't want them in quarantine, I want them suffering all kinds of hell.  Don't tell me about them!  Hurt them horribly, hunt them down, burn down their hideouts, orphan their offspring, cause them some grief.  That's what I want my PC protection to be doing, kicking the crud out of anything that even looks at my processors wrong.

 

All that said, until someone releases software that is malevolent to the point of sentience, I'll make do with what I've got and try and avoid getting the galloping Trojans.

Took a little trip to Chessington 'World of Adventure'.  Did the usual stuff, rode the 'Vampire', got soaked on 'Rameses Revenge' etc etc.  Got some reasonable pics of some of the more sociable animals (see folder above), did pay a shed load of dosh for a pic.  My wife and daughter as bar room floozies and the two boys and me as cowboys.  I think you know the kind of pic, sepia coloured with that authentic 1890's look.  Thought I was gonna end up looking more of a plank then usual, but after looking at the pic for a while, I'm more than happy.  'Buffalo Norbert Cody Rides Again, yeeha! :-)

I was going to write somthing profound and interesting here.  Yea I know, that'd be a first.  However, due to the fact that I was afflicted by a sudden headcold and earache last night. The end result being me going to bed at 6-50am this morning and being up again at 1020am, means that my body has finally given up the ghost and is demanding I go to bed.  And who am I to argue with my body? I'm so knackered that I can't even be arsed to take the piss out of Red Ken.

 

Memo to self : More pictures you lazy bastard, Shane Warne is beginning to haunt my dreams.